Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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