Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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