I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
