Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
