you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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