Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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