Are we in a gay sports bar?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
