so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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