It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
