my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
