It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
