Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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