shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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