My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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