I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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