I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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