apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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