I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The best revenge is premature balding
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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