I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize