In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't want my vagina anymore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
