You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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