Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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