my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
