areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
