After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
