I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
