So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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