I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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