Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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