ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
