I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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