Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
