you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
