if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
