I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
