If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
