I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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