matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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