i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
