chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if only i could text you this smell
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
