I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
