For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
