i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
