so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
