I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
