I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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