what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
