She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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