Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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