i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
