I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize