I'm gonna have a badass scar
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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