you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
