no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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