so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
