right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
